Doctor Who and the Slightly Rubbish Fanfiction
by Purple Butter
Summary: The Doctor eats a cheese sandwhich and debates the meaning of life with a tortoise.
1. Stuff Happens

In a swamp somewhere on a distant planet during the very first eon of the universe's existence there stood a fortress. It was made from the metal bones of its owner's fallen enemies, it stood five hundred feet high and it was wrapped in unwrappable darkness. It was guarded by seventeen-hundred armed guards accompanied by vicious Hellhounds.

However, this fortress has nothing to do with our story. In fact the author is not sure why he told you about it in the first place. He guesses he thought it would be a cool way to open the story.

No, this story begins in a tiny wooden treehouse next door to the fortress. Inside the treehouse a group of the Doctor's greatest enemies had gathered after receiving messages from a mysterious individual. Gathered around the small plastic table inside, were three evil masterminds.

Davros; creator of the Daleks, omnicidal maniac and no concept of an indoor voice.

Rassilon; scheming instigator, Lord High President of the Time Lords (which is a bit of a redundant title when you stop to think about it) and played by that bloke from James Bond and Hot Fuzz.

And finally there was Madame Kovarian; top-ranking operative of the Silence (or is it Silents?), evil kidnapper and (let's be honest here) a bit of a MILF.

"Why are we even here?" Rassilon asked the other two as he pretended to sip tea from one of the plastic cups on the table.

"I! HAVE! NO!IDEA!" Davros shouted in his usual hammy, over-the-top manner.

"Jesus Christ!" Madame Kovarian said as she covered her ears after Davros' input.

"I severely doubt he has something to do with this." Rassilon said. "Last I heard he was pals with the Doctor."

Kovarian rolled her eyes. "But you did get a message, right?" She removed the blood red envelope from her pocket.

"Yep." Rassilon said as he showed his envelope.

"SO!DID!I!" Davros "said".

Suddenly there was a flash of light in the treehouse. At the end of the room there was a swivel chair facing away from them. Its occupant was difficult to see as that end of the room was suddenly plunged into darkness for no apparent reason other than giving the villain a sense of mystery. Standing next to the chair was the unmistakable silhouette of an Ood. Its eyes glowed blue.

"Oh, c'mon!" Kovarian yelled. "Seriously? The swivel chair? The inexplicable darkness? The right-hand monster? I think my cliché detector just exploded."

"You have a cliché detector?" Rassilon asked.

"OF COURSE I BLOODY DON'T!"

"HEY!I'M!SUPPOSED!TO!BE!THE!ONE!WHO!YELLS!" Davros protested.

"Silence." The clichéd villain said (in a clichéd deep evil voice) . The others suddenly fell silent somehow.

"You are all here," he continued, "because you have all been wronged by a certain individual."

"Scooby-Doo?" Rassilon said. "Tell me about it. That dog and those meddling kid friends of his foiled my counterfeiting operation!"

"They uncovered my diamond smuggling plan." Kovarian said.

"THEY!STOLE!MY!SIGNED!POSTER!OF!PETER!DAVISON!" said….oh, you know who said that right?

"What?" The clichéd villain said in surprise. "Of course it isn't Scooby-Doo!"

"Oh." Said Rassilon. "Is it Harry Potter then?"

"No!"

"Oh, then it must be that Skywalker son of a bitch."

"No!"

"Master Chief?"

"No!"

"Twilight Sparkle?"

"No!"

Kovarian face-palmed as the ensuring conversation went on for twenty minutes.

"Then it must be the Batman!"

"No! Why don't I just tell you who it is? Jesus, I try to be enigmatic and look where it gets me! It's the Doctor!"

"Doctor who?" Rassilon said with a snicker.

"No, we're not doing that gag." Kovarian said with a sigh.

"I propose we form an alliance to take down the Doctor." The clichéd villain said as his Ood servant passed him a strawberry milkshake.

"Oh wait." Kovarian said, her voice dripping with sarcasm, "I think my cliché detector may still have some life in it."

"But I thought you didn't…." Rassilon piped up.

"Shut. Up. Now."

"I suggest we terminate him soon." The cliché villain said. "For if we do not the universe will be destroyed."

"How?" Asked Rassilon.

"Even though I know exactly how, I'm not going to tell any of you just so I can keep everyone in suspense."

"Oh, all right then." Rassilon said, perfectly contend with the answer.

Kovarian thought about protesting but ultimately decided doing so would be useless.

"We shall need a name for our alliance." The cliché villain said. "I recommend: League And Business of Impossible Antagonists."

"You do realise that the acronym of that is L.A.B.I.A.?" Kovarian said.

"Yeah. So?"

"Don't you think that's a bit of an unfortunate name?"

"Why ever would I think that?"

"Because…..oh never mind." Kovarian gave up her argument and slumped back into her plastic seat.

"Can we call it the League And Business of Impossible Antagonists Of Rassilon?" Rassilon asked.

"Why do you always want to add your name onto everything?" The cliché villain said with frustration. "It's the League And Business of Impossible Antagonists and that's final!"

"I think Rassilon has the right idea." Kovarian said. "At least then we'd have a name that the Doctor wouldn't have fits of laughter over.

"It's the League And Business of Impossible Antagonists and that's final!" The cliché villain repeated himself. "I really like that name! It took me all weekend to think up of it!"

"Moron." Kovarian whispered under her breath.

"What was that?"

"Um, er I said…Mormon! Are you a Mormon?"

"No. I'm a scientologist. Anyway it's time for Part One of our seventy-four part plan!"

"Ah, crap." Kovarian whispered under her breath again.

"Okay, here's what we do. First, we kidnap the princess of France, then we build a giant death ray out of cereal boxes, then we find and secure the Holy Grail to use as a power source for the death ray, then we train every rat in the universe into an all-powerful universe conquering force, then we drain all of the water in the universe using a giant vacuum cleaner, then we use the water to feed our army, then we use the death ray to destroy Guam, then we blow up an orphanage for the lulz, then we turn every star in the universe into a disco ball, I'm not sure how we're going to do that yet but give me time, then we brainwash every parent in the universe into becoming a child molester, then we…"

"There's no princess of France." Kovarian said in a bored voice. "They're a republic."

"Oh." The cliché villain said. "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU"

"You know what we could do?" Kovarian interrupted the cliché villain before he could unleash his true rage, "We could just kidnap a bunch of the Doctor's former companions. That would probably get his attention."

"Oh, fine we'll just do that then." The cliché villain relented. "I hadn't even got to the goat prostitution racket bit yet…."

"SO!WHAT!DO!WE!CALL!YOU!" Davros said as he hadn't said anything for 648 words and the author was beginning to worry that the reader had forgotten about him.

The cliché villain paused for a brief moment before speaking: "The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude."

"There is no way I'm calling you that." Kovarian deadpanned. "I'll just call you dickhe- The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude." She slapped a hand over her mouth after she realised what she had just said.

"I kidnapped Professor Snape and had him put a charm on my name. Everyone is forced to refer to me as The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude."

"Where's the professor now?" Rassilon asked.

"I dunno. In my basement I think."

**Meanwhile in The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude's basement…**

"Hello? Is there anyone there?"

"Why hello there! I haven't seen a woman in decades….oh, wait you're not a woman. Oh well - you'll do. Now come here!"

"OH GOD OH JESUS SOMEONE HELP ME!"

**Meanwhile back in L.A.B.I.A.'s clubhouse….**

"Now let the plan commence!" The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude proclaimed as he passed his now empty milkshake bottle to his blue-eyed Ood servant.

"THE!DOCTOR!WILL!FALL!" Davros shouted while eating a large plate of ham.

"Victory will be ours!" Rassilon yelled.

"I can't believe I'm working with these idiots." Kovarian mumbled as her face became well acquainted with her palm.

**NEXT TIME ON THE NOT-SO-EXCITING INSTALLMENT OF "DOCTOR WHO AND THE SLIGHTLY RUBBISH FANFICTION"….**

_A lonely time traveller known only as the Dentist! Wait…..that's not right._

_An offensively stereotypical cockney girl!_

_An accountant with the amazing ability to break the fourth wall!_

_The world's greatest and most famous detective!_

_Some random bloke eating a cheese sandwich!_

**ALL THIS AND MORE ON THE NEXT NOT-SO-EXCITING INSTALLMENT OF "DOCTOR WHO AND THE SLIGHTLY RUBBISH FANFICTION!"**


	2. More Stuff Happens

The Doctor sat inside the TARDIS with his feet up on the console and an unfinished Rubik's Cube in his hands.

"Stupid thing." He muttered as his three-thousandth-and-seventy-fourth attempt to solve the puzzle box failed. At this point his three new companions entered the console room.

Sophie Bannerman; a blonde girl who was so stereotypically cockney her blood was properly made from fried eggs. Mark Gusta; an accountant who always wore his trademark bottle green suit and had an odd tendency to break the fourth wall. And finally there was Mary Sue who, despite being merely fourteen years old, was a master at engineering, medicine, chemistry, general science-y stuff, linguistics and she had already slept with like a dozen super-hot guys because she was just that impossibly beautiful with her slim figure, deep black hair and purple eyes.

"Cor blimey Doc-tah" said Sophie, "Are you 'aving a bleeding laff? You still ain't solved that blimming cube?"

"Human puzzles are rubbish anyway." The Doctor said as he got to his feet and shoved the Rubik's Cube into the inside pocket of his tweed jacket. "Sontaran puzzles are much better! Of course most of them involve electrocution. Or decapitation."

"He's really not as clever as he likes to think he is is he?" Mark said as he glanced at the reader.

"I can solve a Rubik's Cube in ten seconds flat." Mary Sue said. "Eight if I'm lucky. Which I always am. Because I'm fricking awesome."

"So where do you want to go this time my faithful companions?" The Doctor asked as he whizzed around the console with his usual vigour. "The Third Great and Powerful Roman Empire? The Battle of Custard Creek in 4156? The signing of the Declaration of Independence? Bowling?"

"Bowling sounds good." Mark said.

"Cor blimey I ain't ben bowling in blimming years!" Sophie exclaimed.

"I actually hold the world record for Universe's Most Awesome and Beautiful Bowler." Said Mary Sue. "True story."

"Bowling it is then team!" The Doctor said as he began typing on the TARDIS's typewriter. "Y'know I once went bowling with Amy, Captain Jack and River. Long story short; we all ended up doing something we came to regret. Except Jack. I actually think he was rather proud of it."

Suddenly, the TARDIS's phone began to ring. The Doctor quickly answered it, "Hello?"

"Hello, Doctor. This is Sherlock Holmes."

"Sherlock? Look, I swear your daughter told me she was eighteen. I swear!"

"What? I don't have a daughter!"

"Oh. That hasn't happened to you yet has it? Forget I said anything."

"Wait, what was that about her age…"

"Nothing! Nothing at all! So why are you calling?"

"Something was happened. I need you to come here now."

"What? Sherlock, what's happened?"

"I can't tell you over the phone."

"Why? Because someone might be listening in on this conversation?"

"No, because it's much more dramatic if I make you rush here and then tell you in person!"

"I'm on my way!"

The Doctor slammed the phone down on the receiver and began inputting coordinates on the TARDIS console.

"Can't we go bowling first?" Mark asked.

"There's no time for that!" The Doctor shouted as the TARDIS began her trademark grinding noise.

"But you have a time machine….."

"Didn't you hear Sherlock?"

"Well, no because he was on the other end of the phone."

"He said we have to make this dramatic! And dramatic we shall make it! That's why I'm shouting so much right now!"

"So we're throwing logic out of the window in favour of drama?" Mark gave a quick aside glance to the audience as he said this.

"Exactly!"

"Gotcha."

"I WANT TO BE A PART OF THIS CONVERSATION!" Mary Sue yelled.

The TARDIS landed.

"London, 2011." The Doctor stated.

"This is just like going 'ome for me this is!" Sophie said.

"Me too." Said Mark.

"Not me." Mary Sue stated. "I'm from Mars. You see my mother was from there which makes me part-Martian."

The Doctor shuddered and tried to wipe the image of Human-Ice Warrior sex from his mind.

"Isn't it weird how most of my companions are from twenty-first century London?" He said in an attempt to change the subject onto something that wouldn't require a surplus dosage of brain bleach.

"I blame Russell T Davies." Mark said.

"Who?"

"Oh, ah…..nevermind."

The TARDIS crew left their ship (which had decided to park herself several streets away from Sherlock's house because she believed that the Doctor was in dire need of some exercise) and began walking through the quiet early morning streets.

Unexpectedly, some random, middle-aged, balding bloke wearing a white t-shirt stepped in front of the gang.

"Here. Take this." He said as he held out a mouldy cheese sandwich with a big bite took out of it.

"No thanks I'm fine." The Doctor said in a friendly tone. "Although if you have any fish finger and custard sandwiches…."

"Take it." The man said as he shoved the sandwich into the Doctor's hand. "When the time comes, you will know to use this."

The TARDIS crew were suddenly distracted by a cat knocking over a dustbin behind them. They all turned around to look at the source of the noise and quickly looked back to the man.

He wasn't there.

"He….he just disappeared!" The Doctor said in amazement.

"Um, Doctor?" Mark said, "He's right over there." Mark pointed at a nearby bus stop where the mysterious man was getting on the bus.

"Oh. That's not as mysterious as I thought it was. I think I'll keep the sandwich though."

"Why?" asked Mark. "Because it might help you resolve a plot point later?"

"No, because I often get hungry during my adventures. And what's a 'plot point'? Is it a kind of pen?"

"Nevermind." Mark had long come to accept that no one else could see through the fourth wall like he could.

They eventually reached Sherlock's house.

"Good to see you again Doctor." Said Sherlock as he answered the door.

"Likewise Sherlock." The Doctor said as he adjusted his bowtie.

"Did you come as soon as you got my call?"

"I doubt your calls make him THAT excited!" Mark said as he laughed at his own double entendre. No one else laughed. Including the reader because it was that bad of a joke and the author should feel ashamed for putting it in.

"I'm afraid we didn't." The Doctor said. "We had to stop a giant chiwawa from humping the moon into submission first."

"What?" Sherlock said in anger. "We had to make this as dramatic as possible Doctor! You know that!"

"Gotcha!"

"Oh. That was a joke wasn't it?"

"Of course it was! There's no such thing as giant chiwawas! Giant shit-tzus on the other hand…."

"I once killed a giant shit-tzu with my bare hands." Mary Sue said. "True story."

"So what's the emergency?" The Doctor asked as Sherlock led them upstairs.

"Three of your former companions have gone missing." Sherlock gestured at them to take a seat. "All within the past week. It's weird how so many of your companions are from London isn't it?"

"I was just saying that earlier!" The Doctor exclaimed. "Mark here blames Russell T Davies. Whoever that is."

"Anyway, Rose Tyler, Sarah Jane Smith and Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart have all disappeared from their homes."

"I didn't know you had a companion named 'Anyway'." Mark laughed as he cracked another of the author's awful jokes.

"Are there any leads on who did this?" The Doctor asked as he tried to hide his concern for his former companions.

"There is this cryptic clue." Sherlock said as he handed a piece of paper to the Doctor. "But even my highly detective-y brain can't make heads or tails of it."

The Doctor read the note:

_LOL WE KIDNAPPED YOUR COMPANIONS AND TOOK THEM TO THREE DIFFERENT TIME ZONES. WE DARE YOU TO FIND THEM IF YOU CAN!_

_TROLOLOLOLOLOL U MAD DOC?_

_SIGNED,_

_L.A.B.I.A._

The Doctor suppressed the urge to laugh at the organisation's unfortunate name.

"I have no idea what it means." Sherlock said with a sigh. "It's just so cryptic and confusing!"

The Doctor suppressed another urge. This one was telling him to call his dear friend an idiot.

"It says they've taken my companions to three different time zones."

"Dear Lord!" exclaimed Sherlock. "How did you work that out? Was it your Time Lord brain?"

"Er, yeah, sure. It was my Time Lord brain."

"I could have worked out that clue much quicker than that." Mary Sue said to no one in particular.

"Cor blimey Doc-tah!" said Sophie. "That could be a trap that could!"

"Who are you? Admiral Ackbar?" Mark scoffed.

"Of course it's a trap." The Doctor said. "And we're going to spring it! I should be able to track them down using the TARDIS's DNA databanks and these." He pulled a woolly hat, a lipstick and a moustache comb from his inside pocket.

"Wait." Said Mark. "You just so happen to still have things that belonged to Rose, Sarah Jane and the Brigadier and you just so happen to be carrying those around with you at this very moment?"

"Yes."

"Isn't that a bit too convenient?"

"I guess so."

Mark gave a quick aside glance at the reader, "Alright fine. I'll just go with it."

"We'll be on our way then." Said the Doctor. "Goodbye Sherlock." After his three companions had left the house, the Doctor picked up a hat from Sherlock's coffee table and gave a mock salute to his friend before leaving.

"'ere Doc-tah." Said Sophie as she and the other two companions noticed the Doctor's new headgear. "Wot's that you got on your 'ead?"

The Doctor adjusted his new hat, gave a smug grin and answered the question: "It's a deerstalker. I wear a deerstalker now. Deerstalkers are cool."

**NEXT TIME ON** **THE NOT-SO-EXCITING INSTALLMENT OF "DOCTOR WHO AND THE SLIGHTLY RUBBISH FANFICTION"…..**

_A trip to the Middle Ages!_

_Witches! Witches everywhere!_

_The Doctor loses a companion!_

_But he gains a new one!_

_A Sontaran with an unusual name!_

**ALL THIS AND MORE ON THE NEXT NOT-SO-EXCITING INSTALLMENT OF "DOCTOR WHO AND THE SLIGHTLY RUBBISH FANFICTION!"**


	3. Even More Stuff Happens

"Right then!" said the Doctor as he placed Rose's woolly hat on the TARDIS's DNA scanner on the main console. "We should be able to save my friends in no time. I think we'll start with Rose."

"So who's Rose then?" Mark asked.

"Shop girl from London. Blonde. Lovely girl."

"Probably not as lovely as me though." Said Mary Sue. "Because I'm fricking awesome."

The TARDIS shook for a few seconds and then stopped. The four of them stepped out of the blue box into the interior of a barn.

"Cor blimey it proper stinks in 'ere it does!" Sophie exclaimed. "So where are we Doc-tah?"

The Doctor sniffed the air, picked some hay of the floor, ate it and looked at his wrist watch.

"England. At some point in the Middle Ages. I hope we haven't landed in the middle of one of the plague epidemics."

"How do we know for sure that we haven't?" Mark asked.

"I'll ask a local." The Doctor said as he strutted over to a nearby chicken. "Excuse me? I was wondering if you could help us."

After a few seconds he turned back to his companions, "Clucky says its fine."

"You speak chicken now?" Mark said in disbelief.

"I speak everything." The Doctor said smugly.

Clucky the chicken made a few clucking sounds.

"Why thank you!" The Doctor said as he beamed from ear to ear and adjusted his new deerstalker hat. "It is rather cool isn't it?"

Clucky made some more sounds.

The Doctor suddenly looked offended. "No its not!" He adjusted his bowtie. "It's cool too!"

"I can speak chicken too." Said Mary Sue. "I can also speak Martian, French, Spanish, Italian and Japanese. True story."

"Right then, let's get crack-a-lacking!" The Doctor said. "Come along, Clucky."

The five of them stepped out of the barn to find themselves in a medieval hamlet with dozens of people going about their daily business. One of them was using an iPhone because the author didn't do any research on historical accuracy.

"Here's the plan." The Doctor said as he rubbed his hands together. "We find Rose, I do what I do best and talk her captor into submission, hopefully none of us will get shot, stabbed or blown up and finally we take Rose home using the TARDIS. Any questions?"

Clucky made a few clucking noises.

"Oh, shut up. It's a brilliant plan!"

The Doctor, Sophie, Mark and Clucky all suddenly realised that Mary Sue hadn't been paying attention to the Doctor and was staring out across the village.

"'ere wot are you bleeding doing?" Sophie asked the dark haired girl.

"So primitive." Mary Sue said as she looked out at the medieval peasants. "With my good looks, infinite talents and general awesomeness I could rule them. I could rule them all! I will become a queen! Neigh, an empress! Neigh, a goddess! I SHALL HAVE POWER! UNLIMITED POWER! MY ENEMIES SHALL BEG FOR MERCY AS I CRUSH THEM UNDER MY FEET! ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND DESPAIR!"

It was at this point that Mary Sue was crushed by a piano that fell out of the sky for no adequately explained reason. Why? Because the author had realised that she was a one joke character and that joke was getting old fast.

"I think she's dead." Mark said.

Clucky made some noises.

"Clucky!" The Doctor said in alarm. "Don't speak ill of the dead like that!"

"Where did that piano even blooming come from?" Sophie wondered out loud.

"Probably from the author's ass." Mark muttered under his breath.

"Such a shame." The Doctor said. "A young woman taken from us by a freak accide – hey, look at that guy's cool hat!" He pointed at a bearded man wearing a green cloak and sweet tricorn hat. The man was approaching them at a brisk pace.

"Hello, I'm the Doctor." The Doctor said cheerily as he offered the man a handshake. "Nice to meet a fellow hat fan!"

"I am the Witchfinder General." The man said. "And you are all under arrest."

"Wot's he bleeding on about?" Sophie said.

"You wear strange clothing, you speak in strange incantations and you seem to have the bizarre power to summon pianos with which you use to crush your enemies. There is only one explanation."

"Alright." Said the Doctor. "You got us. We're time travel-"

"WITCHES!" The Witchfinder General bellowed as he pointed an accusing finger at them. "THEY'RE WITCHES!"

"Oh balls."

**Later…**

"Y'now what? I've been tied to a wooden post so often that it actually feels kind of comfortable to me now."

""I'm sure something will come along to save us. We are the heroes of this story after all."

"But you know what the worse part of this is? They took my new hat off me and burnt it! They said it was satanic! I wonder where Clucky is….."

"Bloody 'ell Doc-tah! Stop talking about that blooming chicken!"

"Oh, would you all just shut up!"

"Now, now Madame Kovarian. You of all people should know that I love to talk."

In the middle of the village square, the Doctor, Sophie, Mark, Madame Kovarian, Rose and a Sontaran soldier had all been tied to wooden posts and were due to be burnt to death soon. Apparently, Kovarian, Rose and the Sontaran had been accused of being witches as soon as they arrived too.

"Nice to see you again Doctor." Said Rose. "I see you've regenerated again."

"Likewise Rose. How are Jackie and Mickey?"

"Well…."

"I can't believe this!" Kovarian yelled. "We're all about to be painfully and slowly executed and you're making small talk!"

"If you don't like it maybe you shouldn't have kidnapped me then." Rose snapped.

"Who's your friend?" Mark said to Kovarian as he gestured (or at least he tied to; he couldn't, what with being tied to a post and all) at the Sontaran.

"He's a mercenary. The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude hired one of them to help each of us."

The Doctor burst out laughing. "That's what you call your new boss? You must really adore him! Not to mention the name of your organisation. How did none of you caught on to that?"

"I don't like it any more than you do!"

The Sontaran began to speak: "I am Field Marshall Bob of the Twelve Sontaran Battle Legion. Bob the Butcher."

"Bob?" Mark said as he raised an eyebrow. "Seriously?"

"It means 'Almighty Crusader' in Sontaran."

"Of course it bloody does." Mark sighed as he decided to drop the issue.

The Witchfinder General and the villagers had all gathered in the square to watch the execution.

"Witches!" the Witchfinder General bellowed. "You have all been found guilty of witchcraft!"

"Well, we're hardly going to be guilty of credit card fraud are we?" Rose deadpanned.

"Silence, golden-haired harlot of Lucifer!"

"At least the Doctor will die with me." Kovarian said to herself.

"Be quiet, whore of Hades!"

"At least I shall have a warrior's death." Bob said.

"Cease talking, potato-headed spawn of Satan!"

"His insults are creative, I'll give him that." the Doctor said.

"Now, before we sent these witches back to the fiery depths of Hell," the Witchfinder General turned to the large crowd behind him, "does anyone here have any more evidence of their witchcraft?"

"They turned me into a newt!" A man in the crowd said.

Everyone gave him sceptical looks.

"I got better." The man said matter-of-factly.

"I'd like to say something." One of the villagers pushed her way towards the front of the crowd. She removed her iPhone's earphones and continued to speak. "I don't think they are witches. I mean, we haven't actually seen them do any black magic have we?"

They were a few seconds of awkward silence. The Witchfinder General then promptly pulled a 45 glock out of his cloak (despite the fact that guns would not be invented for a few more centuries) and shot the woman dead.

"Does anyone else have any objections?" He said.

The crowd was silent.

"I do." Some random guy said meekly.

The Witchfinder General shot him dead too.

"Anyone else?"

"Um, I think I might."

The Witchfinder General pointed his pistol at the objector.

"Ah, actually I changed my mind!"

"Glad to hear it. More let's get on with this; EastEnders is on in half an hour!"

Suddenly, the ropes binding the Doctor fell to the floor; freeing him. The surprised Time Lord turned around to see Clucky with a sharp knife held in her beak.

"I told you something would come along to save us." Mark said smugly.

"Well done, Clucky!" the Doctor said. "You're my favourite companion!"

Sophie, Mark and Rose all gave the Doctor a combination of hurt and angry expressions.

The Doctor realised his mistake. "Oh, I, ah, didn't mean it like that…"

"No, you've said it." Mark said. "Now we all have to live with it."

A gunshot went off. The Witchfinder General had clearly been aiming for the Doctor but had missed and hit a passing villager instead.

"Could you please stop killing us?" A man in the crowd said.

"Yeah! You go through like five of us a day!" A woman protested.

After quickly shooting the two protesters dead, the Witchfinder General turned his weapon back on the Doctor.

The Doctor whipped out his sonic screwdriver and used it to jam the gun's firing mechanism.

"Stay back!" The Doctor said as he waved the screwdriver around like a madman. "If any of you try anything I will use my magic wand to make you dance the Can Can!"

"That doesn't sound so bad." Someone in the crowd said.

"Until you die of exhaustion!" He was bluffing of course. The sonic screwdriver could only cause people to dance the Tango. "Clucky, free Sophie, Mark and the yellow one!"

Clucky freed Sophie, Mark and Rose from their bonds in no time. The TARDIS crew ran back towards the barn as fast as they could; leaving Madame Kovarian and Bob the Butcher tied to their posts.

Approximately ten minutes of running later; the madman with a box, the offensive stereotype of cockneys, the fourth-wall breaking accountant, the shop girl from London and the outlandishly intelligent poultry burst through the wooden doors of the barn to find the TARDIS waiting for them.

As well as Madame Kovarian and Bob.

"What?" Mark exclaimed. "How is that possible? How could you have possibly gotten here before us?"

"Well, you see," Kovarian began her sentence with a look of confidence but it had quickly turned into confusion, "How did we get here before them, Bob?"

"I have no idea." Bob said. "This makes absolutely zero sense."

At this point Kovarian decided to shrug her shoulders and get on with the plot.

"Bob? Kill them."

"Why are you so desperate to kill the Doctor anyway?" Rose asked.

"Two reasons. One; according to The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude, the universe will be destroyed if the Doctor continues to live. Two: he's an irritating little prick."

"Well, that's not very nice." The doctor said casually.

"We like you Doctor." Rose said. Sophie nodded in agreement.

"Even after that hurtful remark you made back in the town square." Mark said.

"Aw, you guys are the best!" the Doctor said.

Clucky made a few sounds.

"I do not have an inflated ego! And for the last time; I'm not going to take it off, bowties are cool!"

"ENOUGH WITH THE FRIENDLY BANTER!" Kovarian exploded. "BOB, KILL THEM!"

The Sontaran pointed his laser rifle at the gang but everyone was suddenly distracted by the sound of the barn doors being opened louder than necessary. Everyone turned around to see the Witchfinder General (sans his hat) looking rather unhinged. He also had several packets of C4 (which also hadn't been invented yet) strapped to his body.

"Everyone in the TARDIS now!" The Doctor shouted. The Doctor, Sophie, Mark, Rose and Clucky all dashed inside the blue box. Kovarian tried to get inside too but Bob grabbed her legs and pulled her to the floor.

"It is better to die a warrior's death than to make a coward's retreat!" Bob said in an attempt to explain his actions.

"Let go of me!" Kovarian screeched as she desperately tried to get inside the TARDIS.

"Grab my hand!" The Doctor shouted as he offered his hand to help her to safety.

"I don't need your help you little prick!" Kovarian yelled just before she spat in the Doctor's face.

Taking the fresh saliva on his face as a cue that she wasn't interested in his offer, the Doctor promptly slammed the TARDIS's doors shut. The blue box dissolved into thin air a few seconds later.

The Witchfinder General raised the detonator into the air.

"Why are you doing this?" Kovarian yelled at Bob.

"It is part of my culture." The Sontaran replied.

"Well, your culture is fucking stupid!"

With all her strength, Kovarian kicked the short warrior in the face. He let go of her legs in pain and gave her just enough time to activate the small teleporting device that The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude had given her without Bob coming along for the ride.

Kovarian disappeared in a flash of blue light.

"DIE WITCH SCUM!" the Witchfinder General bellowed just before he pressed the detonator. The psychopathic nutjob, the potato-headed alien warrior and the rather lovely-looking barn all went up in a fiery explosion.

"Well, that was an odd turn of events." A villager commented after she saw the barn explode.

"Not as weird as what happened last week." Another villager said. "Remember? With the noodles and the giant robot?"

"Don't remind me."

**NEXT TIME ON THE NOT-SO-EXCITING INSTALLMENT OF "DOCTOR WHO AND THE SLIGHTLY RUBBISH FANFICTION"….**

_A trip to Nazi Germany!_

_Hitler tries to get his revenge!_

_The Doctor reverses the polarity of something!_

_An ivory hunter?_

_A Judoon with a rude-sounding name!_

**ALL THIS AND MORE ON THE NEXT NOT-SO-EXCITING INSTALLMENT OF "DOCTOR WHO AND THE SLIGHTLY RUBBISH FANFICTION!"**


	4. Bananas

"Bye Rose!" the Doctor shouted out of the TARDIS's door before he closed it. He dashed over to the console with his usual youthful energy and placed the moustache comb on the DNA scanner.

The Time Lord reached inside one of his pockets and produced a tricorn hat.

"I snatched it off the Witchfinder General just before we ran to the barn." He explained to his companions as he placed his new headgear atop his head. "It's a tricorn hat. I wear a tricorn hat now. Tricorn hats are cool."

"Now for the Brigadier." He said as he adjusted various knobs and dials on the console. "Military man. But don't that that fool you, he's one of the best friends I've ever had."

"We're not going to end up somewhere dangerous again are we?" Mark asked.

"Of course not! When do I ever go somewhere dangerous?"

Mark gave a quick aside glance to the reader and raised an eyebrow.

Clucky made a few sounds.

"Admiring my frankly fantastic time machine are you, Clucky?" The Doctor said with a smug grin. "Any passing remarks? I've heard them all."

Clucky made some more sounds.

"Yes, yes, it is…." The Doctor's smug grin disappeared and was replaced by a look of slight confusion. "Smaller on the outside? Well, I suppose it is…..I've never thought of it that way before."

The TARDIS shook for a few seconds as she got a lock on the Brigadier's DNA until she landed.

After a few moments (during which Sophie and Mark made a silent bet with each other that there would be something dangerous outside) the TARDIS crew stepped through the blue box's doors.

To find themselves in Hitler's office.

"Oh, not again." The Doctor muttered.

"Cor blimey Doc-tah!" Sophie exclaimed. "That's Hitler that is!"

Clucky made a few noises.

"Clucky!" The Doctor said. "Stop being so snarky!"

The evil dictator was still sitting at his desk, glaring at the intruders. The large window behind him offered a magnificent view of a city on the edge of war.

"You!" Hitler yelled as he pointed at the Doctor, "You're that bastard who locked me in the cupboard last week!"

Mark chuckled. "Yeah, that was a great episode!"

"An episode of what, young man?"

"Um, er, an episode of the Doctor's life? Yeah that's it!"

"Enough of this nonsense talk!" Hitler yelled as he stood up. "I shall have my revenge on you, bowtie man! I have been planning it for ages!"

"But you said I only locked you in the cupboard last week…."

"Silence!"

"Okay then."

Hitler produced a revolver from his desk drawer.

"I could just shoot you all now. But instead I think I shall say an impressive sounding one-liner before I do so. Hmmm, what shall I say? Hasta la vista? No. Shalom? Certainly not. Hmmm…."

Deciding to take advantage of this situation, the Doctor produced the Rubik's Cube from the inside pocket of his tweed jacket while Hitler was distracted. The Time Lord then threw the puzzle box and hit the German dictator right in the eye with one of the pointy corners.

Hitler yelped in pain, dropped his revolver on the floor and fell straight through the window behind him. Glass shattered everywhere. The TARDIS crew dashed behind the desk and looked down onto the street below.

"I may have just doomed the human race." The Doctor said gravely. "With Hitler dead, a much more competent leader could front the Nazi war effort, millions more would die and – oh, wait, oh it's fine."

The Doctor was relieved to see that the dictator had fallen into an open-top truck that was carrying fresh manure. He would certainly need a bath (or several baths) but the timeline would still be preserved.

"Curse you bowtie man!" Hitler yelled as he desperately tried to climb out of the thick pool of manure.

"I wouldn't open my mouth too much if I were you!" Mark shouted down at the dictator.

"Just you wait until I get back up there!" Hitler started to rant and rave some more but it became increasingly difficult to hear him as the manure truck began to drive away down the street; taking the dictator with it.

"Several baths and a long, humiliating walk then." The Doctor muttered to himself.

The Doctor noticed that the Rubik's Cube was lying on the floor atop the broken glass. He pocketed it again. Sophie picked up Hitler's revolver and inspected it.

"Wot?" She said as the Doctor and Mark gave her funny looks. "Could become 'andy later on is all. I'm well good will guns I am. Dad always took me down the shooting range very Sunday he did."

"How convenient." Mark mumbled to himself as he rolled his eyes.

Two Nazi soldiers and a Nazi officer suddenly entered the room. Before them they saw a large blue box, a young man wearing a bowtie, a tweed jacket and a tricorn hat, another young man wearing a bottle green suit, a blonde girl handling a revolver, a white chicken stood on the desk, a smashed window and no sign of the Fuhrer. It was the most ridiculous scene any of them had ever seen.

"What was all the commotion in here?" The Nazi officer asked. "And where is our glorious leader?"

"He's, ah, taking a swim." The Doctor said.

"Who are you?" The officer demanded.

"Me and this gorgeous chuck of man beef are a gay couple." The Doctor put his arm around Mark. "As for her?" He gestured towards Sophie. "Her mother was a gypsy and her father was a Jew. And as for the chicken? Bestiality."

The Nazi officer had a look of absolute fury on his face. "Execute them!" He bellowed to the two soldiers behind him.

The TARDIS crew quickly dashed inside the blue box and slammed the doors shut behind them just as they heard gunfire.

"Was it really necessary to anger them like that?" Mark asked the Doctor.

"Of course it wasn't necessary." The Doctor replied. "I just did it to see the looks on their faces. Priceless! Besides, I did the maths and knew that we would get to safety in time."

"Where did you even get the idea to do that?"

"From an old friend. She was a wild one!"

The TARDIS began to make her trademark grinding noises as she took off.

"Now, let's find the Brigadier."

**Meanwhile in a warehouse across the city…**

Rassilon leaned back in his chair and looked across his new dominion. It was an abandoned warehouse. His troops had arranged a load of storage boxes into neat lines leading from Rassilon's perch on an elevated platform at the back of the room all the way to the doors. The old man was tied up in a back room with Little Runt the Judoon mercenary guarding him.

"Captain Rassilon." Rassilon's right-hand man, Lieutenant Heimlich, said as he approached the raised platform. "May I ask you a question?"

Rassilon had infiltrated the German army and posed as a captain. He was currently in charge of a small squad of six men.

"Well, sir," Lieutenant Heimlich continued, "I was just wondering; do we really need the neon sign on the roof advertising our whereabouts?"

Rassilon adjusted the cap of his Nazi uniform, put down the sandwich he was about to eat and spoke: "Lieutenant; in a game of poker you must always let your opponent see your cards."

"Right. It's just that me and the rest of the squad…."

"The squad of what?"

Lieutenant Heimlich gave a weary sigh. "The Squad of Rassilon, sir."

"Well done."

"We were just wondering if this warehouse….."

"The warehouse of what?"

Lieutenant Heimlich gave another weary sigh. "The Warehouse of Rassilon, sir."

"We were just wondering if it is truly safe, sir."

"No need to worry, Heimlich. If the worst comes to worse, we always have that Little Runt."

The Lieutenant and the other five soldiers gasped.

"What?" said Rassilon. "I said 'Runt'. With an R!"

The soldiers breathed sighs of relief.

Rassilon's phone beeped. The Time Lord checked it and saw that he had a text message from The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude:

_Got time scoop from supplier today itz gonna b /)^3^(\ SO AWESOME!_

_PS got yourre lolcats image. LMAO!_

Rassilon hoped The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude knew how to use a Time Scoop. That was a dangerous piece of technology in the wrong hands and The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude didn't seem too bright. We was nowhere near as clever as the almighty Rassilon.

It was at this point that Rassilon accidently ate his phone instead of his sandwich without even noticing.

Suddenly, the Doctor and his companions entered the warehouse through the large doors at the other end of the large room.

"Impossible!" Rassilon yelled. "How did you find us?"

"The giant neon sign on the roof was a bit of a giveaway." The Doctor replied.

"Curses! I knew the Giant Neon Sign of Rassilon was a bad idea!" He directed his men. "Why did none of you idiots warn me about this?"

A weary sigh was just barely audible in the large room.

"No matter!" Rassilon continued. "I shall now kill you and your companions, Doctor! You shall feel the Wrath of Rassilon when I use the Staff of Rassilon to turn you all into Statues of Rassilon! And the Squad of Rassilon shall help me! The Warehouse of Rassilon shall be your Tomb of Rassilon!"

The Doctor and his companions quickly took cover behind the nearest storage boxes.

"Here's the plan." The Doctor said as the gunfire began. "Sophie, distract the soldiers and Rassilon. If I can get close enough to Rassilon I should be able to do something very clever to that staff…."

"The Staff of Rassilon!" Rassilon shouted and interrupted him.

"To the Staff of Rassilon." The Doctor grimaced as he finished. "Mark, Clucky, go outside and find a different way in. I need you two to rescue the Brigadier."

"There won't be anything dangerous in the back rooms will there?" Mark asked.

"Nah, it should be safe."

**A few minutes later….**

"Ow! This isn't safe at all!" Mark said in a slightly whiny voice just after the Judoon mercenary threw him straight through a brick wall.

"Huh. How did I survive being thrown through a brick wall?" Mark wondered aloud. "What am I made of iron or something?"

The helmeted Judoon stood through the Mark-shaped hole in the wall. The brute towered over him. Mark could still hear gunfire coming from the main room of the warehouse.

"Clucky!" Mark yelled to his poultry comrade who was still out in the corridor, "Find the Brigadier!"

The chicken ran off down the corridor to search the various corridors and back rooms of the warehouse for the Doctor's old friend.

The Judoon stomped over to Mark and picked him up by the throat with one hand.

"You shall die by the hands of Little Runt!" The Judoon said.

"Wait, what did you just call yourself?"

"I said 'Runt'. With an R!"

"Oh, right. Cus I sounded like you said…."

"Silence puny Earthling!"

"Oh did you really have to call me that? I think my cliché detector just exploded."

Little Runt chuckled. "Hey that's sort of like what Madame Kovarian said earlier!"

Mark used the distraction to kick the brute in the chest and free himself. He quickly grabbed a frying pan from a nearby storage box and hid it behind his back before the Judoon could regain his composure.

Little Runt removed his helmet for no real reason and revealed his grotesque rhino-like face.

"You're one ugly motherfu…" Mark stopped himself when he realised that he probably wasn't allowed to say that word in a T-rated fic.

"Prepare for a surprise assault!" Little Runt shouted as he began to slowly walk forwards.

Mark suddenly got an idea, "Hey look it's an ivory hunter!"

The Judoon gasped and turned around; "Where?"

Mark wacked the brute across the back of the head with the frying pan. He turned around slowly and looked very angry.

"Oh." Said Mark. "Usually, in comedies, when someone gets hit over the head with a frying pan it knocks them out. Damn it!"

The Judoon picked him up by the throat again.

"Not good. Not good at all."

"I will break you puny Earthling! And then the Time Lord!"

"You can't kill me. I'm a main character. Something will come along to save me just in time!"

Little Runt's eyes rolled up into his skull and he collapsed. Mark fell to the floor and looked up. There, standing in the Mark-shaped hole in the wall, was Clucky and an old man holding a cane and wearing a flat cap.

"Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart." The old man walked toward and introduced himself. "A pleasure to meet you old chap." He said as he helped Mark off the floor.

"Thanks." Mark said as he rubbed his throat. "How did you kill it?"

"Well, after your feathered friend here saved me from my confinement, we rushed here as soon as we could and then I shot this ruffian with my gun-cane. They didn't think to take it off me when I was captured."

"Thanks old timer. Little Runt here almost killed me."

The Brigadier gasped and Clucky made a few clucking sounds which oddly sounded like shock or outrage.

"I don't care if you almost died!" The Brigadier said. "There's no need for language like that, young man!"

"What?" Mark protested. "I said 'Runt'. With an R!"

**Meanwhile…**

The Doctor ran from cover to cover as the firefight raged. Sophie had managed to kill one of the Nazis with her stolen revolver so there were five of them left. He was around half-way to Rassilon's raised platform when one of the soldiers spotted the Doctor. The Doctor quickly used his sonic screwdriver and jammed his gun. He was quickly gunned down by Sophie.

A few moments later, Rassilon spotted the Doctor and fired a ball of magical energy at him from the Staff of Rassilon. Fortunately, Rassilon missed and hit one of his own men instead. The soldier turned into a stone statue.

"Whoopsie doopsie doodle!" Rassilon said.

"BLOODY NAZIS!" The Doctor heard Sophie shout at the top of her voice. He looked back at her and saw that she had managed to get her hands on one of the German machineguns. She was currently leaping through the air (in slow motion of course), firing the machinegun with one hand and the revolver with the other. She killed two more of them by doing this.

The Doctor was almost close enough to Rassilon to do his very clever thing when he was shot in the arm and fell to the floor in shock. He turned to see the last remaining soldier, Lieutenant Heimlich, with a pistol pointed in his direction. The Doctor turned back to see Sophie trying to reload her guns but failing due to panic.

The Doctor began to glow with a golden light….

"No, no, no!" The Doctor said in a mildly annoyed tone. "I'm not that hurt!"

The regenerative energy quickly disappeared after being told off.

"Kill him Lieutenant!" Rassilon shouted. "But make sure you say a cool one-liner before finishing him for God's sake."

Lieutenant Heimlich gave yet another weary sigh. "Yes Captain."

The Lieutenant's head suddenly exploded. The Brigadier, Mark and Clucky stood behind the now lifeless soldier. The Brigadier reloaded his gun-cane.

"Don't lose your head over it." The Brigadier said.

"Now THAT'S a cool one-liner!" Rassilon exclaimed. "See, Lieutenant? Lieutenant? Lieutenant? Oh, right, you're dead. Sorry, I kinda forgot about that in all the excitement of THAT AWESOME LINE! You, sir, you are good."

The Doctor took advantage of this distraction and rose to his feet.

"Want to hear another one-liner?" The Doctor said as he pointed his sonic screwdriver at Rassilon. The elder Time Lord turned to face the younger one. "Do you know what it feels like to be taken for granite?"

The screwdriver activated and nothing happened. Then, after a few seconds, Rassilon began to slowly turn into stone.

"No! This cannot be! What's happening?"

"I reversed the polarity of your staff's…."

"The Staff of Rassilon!"

The Doctor sighed. "The Staff of Rassilon's power flow. Instead of turning your targets into stone it's turning you into stone."

"Thanks Doctor Obvious, I hadn't released I was slowly turning into stone!" Rassilon said sarcastically. Only his neck and head wasn't stone yet.

"Almost done," Rassilon said, "Must…..make…overly….dramatic….pose."

Rassilon managed to form a pose where he was on his knees, looking up into the sky with his arms stretched up in a grabbing gesture and his mouth in a shouting motion. Contend with this overly dramatic pose, the Time Lord stopped resisting and the stone hardened. He was trapped forever.

"Well, that's that then." The Doctor said.

"I see you've regenerated again Doctor." The Brigadier said. "I like your hat."

The Doctor looked unbelievably smug and adjusted his tricorn hat.

"It's a tricorn hat…."

At this point, a random seagull flew through one of the warehouse's windows, grabbed the Doctor's hat off his head and then flew straight back out the window with the hat in tow.

"OH COME ON!"

**NEXT TIME ON THE NOT-SO-EXCITING INSTALLMENT OF "DOCTOR WHO AND THE SLIGHTLY RUBBISH FANFICTION"….**

_A trip to the Nineties!_

_A crack-observer!_

_Davros becomes an Emperor!_

_The cheese sandwich makes its dramatic return!_

_The author continues to lose patience with Microsoft Word's wrong-like-ninety-percent-of-the-time grammar checker!_

**ALL THIS AND MORE ON THE NEXT NOT-SO-EXCITING INSTALLMENT OF "DOCTOR WHO AND THE SLIGHTLY RUBBISH FANFICTION!"**


	5. Apples

"Doctor," said Mark as he and the rest of the TARDIS crew exited the blue box, "Are you sure you don't need medical attention? You did get shot in the arm after all."

"Nah, I'm fine." The Doctor said as he locked the TARDIS's doors. The Time Lord was wearing the Brigadier's flat cap, which he had kindly given to the Doctor to make up for the seagull incident.

"But…"

"It's just a flesh wound!"

"So where are we now Doc-tah?" Sophie asked as she looked around at the dreary landscape. They appeared to be in a run-down area of wherever they where, with lots of disused warehouses and factories dotting the landscape.

Clucky made a few noises.

"Clucky!" The Doctor said in shock as he looked down at the chicken. "There's no need to be so rude! I'm sure the people who live here think it's lovely!"

"No we don't!" A passer-by shouted.

The gang walked through the dismal streets until they found a newspaper vendor.

"It's the fourteenth of August 1994. And we're in New York." Mark read off the newspaper. "Oh dear, I hope no New Yorkers get offended by this chapter."

"Just a quick question," the Doctor said to the vendor. "You're not going to turn out to be the grandfather of one of my future companions are you? That's what happened to me the last time I tried to buy a newspaper!"

"Um….no?" The clearly confused vendor said.

"Okay then." The Doctor said simply as he and his friends walked off.

"Sarah Jane must be in this area somewhere. But where?" The Doctor wondered out loud just before the gang walked past a butcher's shop with several roast chickens on display in the window. Clucky made a few sounds that oddly sounded like anger.

"We are not going to go in there and 'kick some ass', Clucky." The Doctor said. "We've got better things to do. Let's ask a local for help."

The four of them approached a young man with blonde hair and a moustache.

"Department of Ambiguous Incidents Department." The Doctor said as he flashed his psychic paper. "Have you seen, heard, smelled, tasted, felt or psychically sensed anything unusual here lately?"

Sophie gave the Doctor an odd look.

"What?" The Time Lord protested. "I'm just covering all of the senses! Just asking if he's seen anything narrows our investigation considerately does it not?"

"There was one thing." The man said. "It was really weird. I saw a purple swan in the park last week! I think someone had dyed it! And by 'someone' I mean me. Drunk Me. Drunk Me and Regular Me are different entities and shall be addressed as such."

"Um okay." The Doctor said, somewhat taken aback by the man's eccentric response. "Listen, er, what's your name?"

"Wayne." The man replied.

"Wayne, me and my fellow agents were hoping for something a bit more unusual than that." The Doctor said.

"Okay." Wayne said. "Well, there was a big party at the Polinski place last night. Lots of beer. You guys beer lovers? I'm a beer lover. Also a crack lover just in case anyone here's interested in a trip to Cocaine Crescent. That's not a real place in case you were wondering. I'm not a crack-user though; I'm merely a crack-observer. I just enjoy being around it you know? Watch it. Study it. Appreciate it. Use it sometimes."

"The swan thing was a two out of ten, whatever the hell you were just talking about was maybe a three or four but we still need you to think bigger, Wayne." The Doctor said, as friendly as ever. "Maybe an eight or nine?"

"Hmmm…..there is one thing. Me and the giant wasp I see whenever I do some bad acid keep hearing strange noises from the old abandoned prison. Like shouting and hammy speeches, you know?"

"That's either Davros or Omega." The Doctor whispered to his companions. "They both have absolutely no concept of an indoor voice."

"That prison brings back memories, you know?" Wayne continued. "I was send there as a teenager when it was still open. That's where they took my cherry. Off my cupcake in the lunch room. After I got raped."

"Can you take us to this prison?"

"Sure. But I won't be going in there with you! They say it's haunted by the ghost of a sombrero-wearing shark. If there's one thing worse than a shark it's a shark ghost!"

"Why would a shark have been in a prison?" Mark asked.

"Probably because it committed some kind of crime." Wayne said matter-of-factly.

"Probably loan-sharking." The Doctor quipped. His companions all groaned in protest. "Oh, come on! That was a good one!"

"I will escort you to the prison." Wayne said. "But I ask for one thing in return. That hat." He pointed at the Doctor's new flat cap.

The Doctor suddenly got very defensive. "No. It's mine!"

"Look, it's out of my hands. When Waspy wants something he gets really stubborn!"

"I'm not letting you take my hat."

**Later…**

"I can't believe I let him take my hat!"

The Doctor (sans his hat) and his companions made their way through the abandoned prison. The sun had set during their walk here so the entire building was much scarier than it would have been.

"Ah!" Mark screamed as a rat scurried past his feet. "What was that?"

"Wot's the matter Mark?" Sophie teased. "You scared?"

"Of course I'm not scared. It's just a dark, abandoned, dark, apparently haunted, dark, slowly falling apart, dark, frightening and dark prison with a shouty madman using it as a base. What's there to be scared of?"

"This way." The Doctor said as he led them around a corner with his sonic screwdriver held out in front of him.

"How do you know which way to go, Doctor?" Mark asked. "Are you tracking body heat signatures with the sonic screwdriver?"

"No, I'm just following the shouting." The Doctor replied. "It's definitely Davros. I'm just using the screwdriver as a torch. I'm not sure if you noticed, but it's quite dark in here."

Mark focused his hearing and indeed heard a voice shouting from somewhere deeper in the prison.

Mark screamed like a little girl as another rat scurried over his feet.

Sophie laughed. "You are scared, ain't ya? Are you chicken?" The cockney girl began making comical clucking noises at the accountant.

Clucky made a few noises.

"Clucky says to shut the hell up or she'll peck your goddamn eyes out." The Doctor translated in a casual tone. "Her words, not mine."

The TARDIS crew eventually found Davros and Sarah Jane in Cell Block D; a large round hall on the fourth floor with several cells in it and a large glass window. It was raining heavily outside. Sarah Jane was locked inside one of the old cells and Davros was in the centre of the hall.

""Ah, Davros." The Doctor said. "Nice to see you again. How about we have a cup of tea and catch up?"

"I! HAVE! BECOME! MORE! POWERFUL! SINCE! THE! LAST! TIME! WE! MET! DOCTOR!" Davros shouted. "I! AM! NOW! EMPEROR! OF! THIS! PRISON! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Or we could have coffee if you prefer?"

"ENOUGH! OF! THIS! FLIPPANCY! MET! YOUR! DOOM! DOCTOR!"

Davros gestured towards one of the cells. The door was open and it was pitch black inside. A single pinpoint light was the only brightness in the cell.

"Hello?" The Doctor said.

"Doc-tor….." An electronic voice inside the cell rasped.

"Oh….."

"THE Doc-tor?"

A solitary Dalek rolled out of the cell and into the vision of the TARDIS crew. Its white and gold plating contrasted greatly with the grey of the prison walls.

"Oh balls." The Doctor said.

"To be honest, we should have seen this coming earlier." Mark deadpanned.

"EXTERMINATE! THEM!"

"You are an enemy of the Daleks! You must be destroyed!" The Dalek raised its gun stick at the Doctor. It abruptly paused. "Unidentified anomaly detected in immediate area."

Suddenly, a ghost shark wearing a sombrero came through the wall to the Dalek's right. The pearly white, almost transparent carnivorous fish flew straight at the Dalek, its ghostly jaws spread wide.

"Exterminate!" The Dalek shot at the spectre. It missed but managed to shot the shark's ectoplasmic sombrero off its head.

The ghost shark caught the Dalek in its spectral jaws and carried it off down an adjacent corridor, deep into the bowels of the prison. The Dalek's electronic scream could be heard the whole way until it was dragged out of earshot.

There was an awkward silence for several moments.

"Huh." The Doctor said. "Even I found that weird. Anyway, time to hand over my friend Davros!"

"NEVER!" Davros produced a rather large knife and held it to Sarah Jane's throat before she had time to react and move further back into her cell.

**What will happen?** **You decide!**

**If you want Davros to kill Sarah Jane, press 1.**

**If you want Davros to spare Sarah Jane's life**, **press 2.**

**If you want Davros to spontaneously combust, press 3.**

**Vote now!**

* * *

><p><strong>Voting has ended.<strong>

Davros suddenly burst into flame. He screamed and dropped the knife as the flames engulfed his body.

"Well that was awfully convenient!" Mark shouted over the noise.

"ARGGHHH! WHY! DID! I! ONLY! BRING! ONE! DALEK!" Davros shouted.

The Doctor threw his sonic screwdriver to Sophie. "Free Sarah Jane!" He instructed. He turned to the burning Kaled, noticed the heavy rain outside, and decided to do his arch-enemy a favour.

"Goodbye Davros. It hasn't been pleasant." The Doctor kicked Davros's wheelchair-thingy and sent the Kaled flying helplessly backwards out of the large window. Before he could hit the damp ground four stories below, Davros disappeared in a flash of blue light that seemed even brighter than the flames engulfing him.

"Of course." The Doctor muttered. "There's always a teleporter. Or an escape pod. Or a teleporting escape pod."

Clucky walked over and made a few sounds.

"I'm not sure what we're going to do next, Clucky. We have no idea where L.A.B.I.A.'s main base is. Unless….." The Doctor remembered the slightly mouldy cheese sandwich in his pocket. He pulled it out and examined it.

"Here goes nothing." The Doctor ate the sandwich in a few bites.

The whole world suddenly became black. Then it became bright white. The Doctor found himself alone on a great white empty plain of nothingness.

"Greetings." A deep voice said.

The Doctor looked down and saw a tortoise.

"I am your Spirit Guide." The tortoise said in the voice of James Earl Jones.

"There were drugs in that sandwich weren't there?" The Doctor deadpanned.

"There were no drugs in that sandwich. The cheese was merely laced with harmless, old LSD."

"Wait, that man in London…."

"He was merely an extension of me. A strap-on if you will."

"You may want to rephrase that explanation in the future."

"I am here to help you, Child of Gallifrey." The Spirit Guide continued. "You will find what you seek by following your heart."

"Can't you just tell me?"

"Oh, all right then."

The Spirit Guide told the Doctor the space/time coordinates for L.A.B.I.A.'s main base of operations.

There was an awkward silence for several minutes.

"So, is this the part where we discuss the meaning of life, the universe and everything?" The Doctor asked.

"We could do that." The tortoise said. "Or we could just get high and watch some porn together."

"Er, no thanks I'm fine."

"You don't want to hang out?"

"I just don't think I know you well enough to…."

"Not know me well enough? I'm your goddamn spirit guide!"

"Look, this is really awkward so I'm just going to leave."

"Fine! Go ahead and leave! I'll just go and be the Master's spirit guide! At least he'd respect me! Keep walking you useless sack of sh…"

The Doctor awoke to find his companions looking over him.

"Are you okay, Doctor?" Sarah Jane asked. "You passed out for around ten minutes."

"I'm fine." The Time Lord replied. "Just got into a little tiff with my Spirit Guide is all."

"Ya shouldn't 'ave eaten that blooming sandwich, Doc-tah." Sophie said. "A friend of mine ate a mouldy cheese sandwich once. Next thing she knew, she 'ad a bleeding camel foetus growing in 'er stomach!"

"I know where we're going next." The Doctor said as his companions helped him to his feet. "But I need to do one last thing before we leave."

The Doctor walked over to the only object the Dalek had managed to shoot before being dragged off and placed it atop his head.

"It's an ectoplasmic sombrero. I wear an ectoplasmic sombrero now. Ectoplasmic sombreros are cool."

**NEXT TIME ON THE NOT-SO-EXCITING INSTALLMENT OF "DOCTOR WHO AND THE SLIGHTLY RUBBISH FANFICTION"….**

_The final showdown!_

_The internet!_

_The Doctor utters one of his favourite words!_

_L.A.B.I.A. don't go to a burn ward!_

_The author gets more reviews! Seriously._

**ALL THIS AND MORE ON THE NEXT NOT-SO-EXCITING INSTALLMENT OF "DOCTOR WHO AND THE SLIGHTLY RUBBISH FANFICTION!"**


	6. Pears

L.A.B.I.A sat around the table in their top-secret headquarters. The room was pitch black with only the glow of the candles on the table and the blue hue of the Ood's eyes providing any light.

The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude looked at his three underlings. "It appears you have all failed to kill the Doctor. When people fail me I get angry. And when I get angry I get a tummy ache. And when I get a tummy ache you must all be punished."

"But, The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude, we tried our best!" Madame Kovarian protested.

"Silence!" The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude shouted. "From now on their shall be no TV privileges for any of you. If any of you break this rule you will get a spanked bottom."

"That sounds sexual." Kovarian said.

"It's not sexual! Not everything has something to do with sex! Am I making myself very clear?"

"Clear about what? The 'punishment' or the sexual thing?"

"BOTH!"

"As clear as mud, sir."

"Now, because of your failures, we will have to resort to Plan E."

"Plan E? Don't we have to do plan B, C and D first?"

"That's the beauty of Plan E, Madame Kovarian. It's so freaking epic it skips over plan B, C and D. Now to put Plan E in motion…."

The door at the end of the room suddenly opened. Heavy footsteps could be heard stooping into the room as the intruder entered.

"Would you and your friends like some ham sandwiches, dear?"

"No Gran, we're fine." The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude said.

"Oh, it's far too dark in here." The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude's Gran said as she pulled back the curtains and flooded the entire room with sunlight (although The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude was still shrouded in unexplainable darkness) . "If you and your little friends are going to use the living room for your little club meetings then you could at least keep it bright in here!"

The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude groaned. "Look Gran, we don't…."

"I! WOULD!LIKE!A!HAM!SANDWICH!" Davros said.

"Of course dearie." The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude's Gran said as she left for the kitchen.

"Stupid Gran." The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude mumbled.

"Can't we just draw the curtains again?" Kovarian asked.

"No, she'd ground me for a week."

"MY!BURNS!REALLY!HURT!" Davros said. "CAN!WE!PLEASE!GO!TO!A!BURN!WARD!"

"For the last time Davros, we've been over this. We don't have time for that!" The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude said.

"BUT!THE!NEAREST!BURN!WARD!IS!JUST!DOWN!THE!ROAD!"

"Oh shut up. Third degree burns over ninety per cent of your body can't hurt that much. All you are is an attention whore."

"So what's Plan E?" Kovarian asked in a bored tone. "Do we cover the Doctor in sugar and dump him on the Planet of the Hyperactive Children?"

"Don't be silly." The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude said. "That's Plan F. This is Plan E." He pulled a dome-shaped gizmo with lots of flashy lights on it seemingly out of nowhere.

"This is a Time Scoop." He explained. "It will kill the Doctor."

"How?" Kovarian asked.

"I'm not sure how. But the man, woman, robot, alien, organisation or cosmic horror that gave me this assures me that it will."

"Why are you being so vague about who gave this to you?"

"I'm trying to create a sense of mystery! Anyway, this Time Scoop is modified Time Lord technology, therefore it can only be activated by the voice of a Time Lord. And seeing as how Rassilon won't cooperate….."

"That's because he's still made of stone you idiot!" Kovarian shouted as she pointed at Rassilon. He was still made of stone and in his melodramatic pose. They had managed to awkwardly balance the statue atop one of the chairs.

"Huh. Really? I was wondering why he wasn't talking to me. I thought we was just being rude."

Kovarian facepalmed.

"Would you like a can of Coke, dear?" The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude's Gran shouted from the kitchen.

"I!PREFER!PEPSI!" Davros replied.

"Okay, dearie!"

"Anyway," The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude said in an annoyed tone, "I have a cunning plan."

"This should be good." Kovarian deadpanned.

The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude ignored her and continued. "Through five to ten minutes of backbreaking research, I have complied a list of the Doctor's favourite and most uttered words. If he uses any of them near the Time Scoop, it will activate!"

The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude produced a PDF and pressed a button on it. A robotic voice read out the Doctor's favourite and most uttered words:

**Five: "Geronimo."**

**Four: "Scrabble."**

**Three: "Bowties."**

**Two: "Are."**

**One: "Timmynoggy."**

"It's genius!" The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude said. "Genius I say! What do you think, Rassilon?"

Rassilon said nothing.

"There's no need to be so rude, Rassilon. If you don't like my plan, you could just say so."

Suddenly, the TARDIS materialised in front of the living room's window. The Doctor, Sophie, Mark and Clucky stepped out of the blue box. The Doctor was wearing a new hat; an ectoplasmic sombrero. For once his companions weren't rolling their eyes at the Doctor's new hat; properly because they were in agreement with him that ectoplasmic sombreros were fucking awesome.

"Hmmm, seems familiar." The Doctor wondered out loud. "I've been here before. But when? Oh well, I'm sure I'll find out. Sophie, keep one of them in eyeshot at all times."

The blonde girl dramatically cocked her stolen revolver.

"Ah, Doctor." The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude said. "Prepare for a surprise attack! L.A.B.I.A. use Attack Pattern Bravo now!"

"What's Attack Pattern Bravo?" Kovarian asked.

"Didn't you read the seven hundred page manual I gave you all? It would only have took a few minutes to read through! Attack Pattern Bravo is when you all fight to the death and I bravely run away!"

The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude's Gran walked into the room again and gave Davros his snacks. She saw the TARDIS crew. "Are these friends of yours?" She asked her grandson.

"Yes Gran now go away!"

"No television for you tonight!"

"But…"

"That's final!" The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude's Gran left the room again.

"Well, I hope you're happy Doctor." The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude grumbled.

The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude leaped to his feet and ran out a back door with his Ood servant. "You shall never catch The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude!" He shouted.

"That joke is getting really old!" Mark shouted back.

Clucky suddenly launched herself at Davros. She kept pecking at his burns. During Davros' screams of pain, Madame Kovarian got to her feet and ran towards Sophie. Sophie promptly shot her in the leg. The Silence operative fell and smacked her head on a corner of the table. Finally, Mark pushed Rassilon off his chair. The heavy statue fell on Mark's left foot and really hurt. But not the deadly kind of hurt; more of the annoying type of hurt.

"Keep the noise down!" The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude's Gran shouted from the kitchen.

The Doctor produced a length of rope from his tweed jacket.

"You just happened to have that on you?" Mark asked as he raised an eyebrow.

"Yep."

The TARDIS crew tied up Kovarian, Davros and Rassilon with the rope. Tying up Rassilon was kind of pointless but this apparently never occurred to any of them.

"Clucky, stay here and guard them." The Doctor said.

Clucky made a few noises.

"No, you can't keep pecking at Davros' burns. That's just needlessly cruel!"

Clucky made a few more sounds.

"Watch your language!"

"'Ere Doc-tah, wot's that then?" Sophie pointed at the Time Scoop on the table.

"By Omega's golden Scrabble board!" The Doctor exclaimed. "I think that timmynoggy is a Time Scoop from Gallifrey!"

The Time Scoop began glowing very faintly as the Doctor, Sophie and Mark ran past it and out the back door into a corridor with a staircase and the door to the basement in it. The basement door slowly opened and a severely pale and malnutritioned Professor Snape stumbled out.

"Man…..in…..basement…..took…my….innocent." Snape said before collapsing in a heap on the floor.

"Mark, do you have any medical training?" The Doctor asked his companion.

"No." Mark replied. "But if it's convenient for the story I guess I could."

"Then stay here and look after this man. Me and Sophie will go upstairs and confront The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude."

The Doctor and Sophie dashed upstairs, leaving Mark behind to pull a new skill out of his ass.

The Doctor and Sophie found The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude, along with his blue-eyed Ood servant, in a room that was empty except for a ladder leading up to the roof and a single bare lightbulb. The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude was still shrouded in inexplicable darkness.

"You may think you have me cornered, Doctor." The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude said. "But I am actually not cornered at all. I am completely un-cornered in fact! You could go so far as to say that I am not even near a corner. Perhaps I am covered in corner repellent? Or perhaps I am the Devil of the corner religion? I could even commit genocide against the corners. That's how un-cornered I am!"

"Oh, shut up ya bleeding wanker!" Sophie interrupted The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude's ramblings.

"For you see, my Ood servant here is possessed by," The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude paused for dramatic effect, "THE INTERNET ITSELF!"

The Ood suddenly assaulted the Doctor and Sophie with its immense psychic powers. Thousands of images flashed in front of their eyes; spam, porn, lolcats, porn, Youtube clips, porn, ponies, porn, rule 34, porn, stupid questions on yahoo answers, porn, Wikipedia articles, porn, memes, porn, two girls one cup, porn, TV tropes, porn, Facebook, porn, Twitter, porn, emails, porn, awful fanfictions, porn, disturbing fanfictions, porn, this fanfiction, porn, guides on cannibalism and porn.

"Cor blimey Doc-tah looks at all that blooming porn!" Sophie yelled.

"Try to ignore it!" The Doctor shouted as he tried to ignore the searing pain in his head that Sophie must have been feeling too.

"I'll try….'ere look at that funny cat!"

With all this mental and physical strength, the Doctor reached into his pocket and produced his sonic screwdriver. Desperately trying to ignore the advice on how to best cook a human arm flashing before his eyes, he used the screwdriver's sonic waves and caused the lightbulb above them to explode.

The sound and light of the lightblub exploding disoriented the Ood for a few precious seconds. The Doctor took advantage of this by running up to the alien and headbutting it. The Ood fell to the floor, unconscious, and the Doctor fell to the floor himself and grasped his forehead.

"Arggh! No one wins with a headbutt! Why did I even do that? That was a bit out of character for me."

The Doctor crawled over to Sophie and checked her. She was conscious but was rapidly mumbling about funny cats and how bloody entertaining they were. She seemed to be unharmed and would most likely be fine in a few minutes.

The Doctor climbed up the ladder and found himself on the flat roof of the house. The surrounding town seemed oddly familiar. The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude was standing on the other side of the roof.

"Well, then." The Doctor said as he adjusted his ectoplasmic sombrero and approached The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude. "Looks like you're cornered."

"No you!" The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude retorted.

"Really? That's the best you can come up with? Who are you?"

"Your greatest nightmare!"

"I meant in a literal sense, not in the figurative sense."

"Oh, right. Well then Doctor; prepare to see the face of your greatest nemesis to date!"

The inexplicable darkness surrounding The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude disappeared and the Doctor saw who he was.

"It's you!" The Doctor exclaimed. "A man, woman, robot, alien, organisation or cosmic horror that I have met before!"

**NEXT TIME ON THE NOT-SO-EXCITING INSTALLMENT OF "DOCTOR WHO AND THE SLIGHTLY RUBBISH FANFICTION"….**

_The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude's identity is revealed!_

_Knife versus Rubik's Cube!_

_Sandwiches for everyone!_

_Some faces from the Doctor's past!_

_A giant beetle from nowhere! _

**ALL THIS AND MORE ON THE NEXT NOT-SO-EXCITING INSTALLMENT OF "DOCTOR WHO AND THE SLIGHTLY RUBBISH FANFICTION!"**


	7. Oranges

The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude revealed his identity to the Doctor. It was Jeff the Good Looking One. Amy's friend with the naughty laptop. The town must be Leadworth. The Doctor had thought it looked strangely familiar.

"Jeff?" The Doctor said in disbelief. "Why? I thought you were going to be the Master or Omega or the Rani or Borusa!"

"It's always the one you least expect isn't it?" Jeff said with a smug grin. A gentle breeze blew across the flat rooftop.

"Not really. If it were the one I least expect you would have turned out to be Buzz Lightyear."

"What? Why Buzz Light – oh nevermind. Prepare to die Doctor!"

"But why, Jeff? Why are you doing this?"

"You took away what was most important to me. After you caught me looking at German scat bestiality porn on my laptop, my Gran found out too. She was furious. She hates Germans! So she installed a parental block on my laptop. I could no longer look at my precious porn. That was your fault Doctor."

"Forgive me if I withhold my guilt."

"Don't interrupt me when I'm monologuing!"

"Sorry." The Doctor said as he rolled his eyes.

"I vowed revenge on that day! My suppliers supplied me with the money, resources and technology to kill you. They even provided me with the Time Scoop for Plan E!"

"But who are your suppliers?"

"The Time Lords!"

The Doctor gasped. "Really?"

Jeff snorted in derision. "No! I can't believe you fell for that! Idiot!"

"I'm guessing you're not going to tell me who they are then?"

"Nope."

The Doctor sighed in frustration. "Okay then. But what's all this business about me destroying the universe?"

"Oh, I just made that up to give my underlings some extra motivation."

"Ah. That's an anti-climax."

"But you and your little friends had to ruin everything didn't you? Almost blowing up Kovarian, taking Rassilon for granite, trying to kill Davros with fire, making me get a tummy ache!"

"Look," The Doctor used his best voice to try and get Jeff to calm down. "I know you're angry Jeff, but I can help you. Let me help you."

Jeff paused for a few seconds. It looked like he was considering the Doctor's offer….

"Oh fuck off you self-righteous prick!"

Or maybe not.

Jeff produced a knife from one of his pockets and threw it at the Time Lord. He missed and struck the ectoplasmic sombrero instead. The cool hat flew off the Doctor's head and landed a few feet away with the knife still embedded in it. The Doctor knew that the hat was unharmed due to being made from ectoplasm, but he couldn't help but feel very angry. He thought of all the hats he had lost; the fez, the Stetson, the deerstalker, the tricorn hat and the flat cap. He snapped.

"There's one thing you never harm." The Doctor said. "If you're smart, if you value your continued existence, if you have any plans on seeing tomorrow, there is one thing you never, ever harm."

"And what would that be?" Jeff asked nonchalantly.

"My hats."

The Doctor produced the Rubik's Cube from the inside pocket of his tweed jacket and threw it at Jeff. The sharp corner struck Jeff in the eye and caused him to stumbled back in pain so that he was right on the edge of the roof. He wobbled precariously…it looked like he wasn't going to fall…..

Then the gentle breeze blew again.

Jeff fell off the rooftop and onto the road below.

The Doctor rushed over to the edge and looked down. "Jeff?"

Jeff was sprawled out on the road below in the most unnatural position. It looked like he was dead.

But then he got up.

Then a car ran him over.

Then a lorry ran him over.

Then an ambulance ran him over. Which was kind of ironic.

Then a passing marching band of approximately one hundred and fifty members walked over him.

Then he went into cardiac arrest.

Then he was struck by lightning. Despite the fact that there was no storm going on.

Then a meteorite crushed him.

Then a pack of wolves came along, pushed the meteorite away and began feasting on him.

Then he defecated all over himself.

"Doctor?"

The Doctor turned around and saw Mark there. "Yes?"

"You should come downstairs. Something's happened."

"Can't you just tell me what it is now?"

"No, it's more dramatic this way."

"Gotcha."

The living room was looking very crowded now. The TARDIS was parked near the window, the remaining members of L.A.B.I.A were tied up in a corner, the TARDIS crew mulled about making conversation, a giant man-sized beetle sat in one of the chairs and sipped tea and Jeff's Gran and the Ood (now free from the evil, perverted, time-wasting influence of the internet) were giving sandwiches and tea to everyone. Professor Snape was rocking back and forth and muttering to himself in one of the corners.

Oh, and all ten of the Doctor's previous incarnations were there too. But that's not very important.

Wait.

Yes it is.

Sorry.

"Well, this is awkward." The Eleventh Doctor said after several minutes of awkward silence as he looked at his previous incarnations. "I'm guessing the Time Scoop snatched you out of your timelines and brought you here?"

"Your grasp of the obvious is inspiring." The First Doctor said. "It appears my observational skills have diminished in my old age."

"Oh, shut up grandpa!" Eleven retorted.

"Grandpa? You're several centuries older than me you idiot! I'm dreading the day I become you. I think I might throw myself into a star to avert it."

Meanwhile, the Second Doctor and the Third Doctor had their backs turned on each other.

"What's up with those two?" The Eight Doctor wondered aloud.

"They don't like each other remember?" Eleven said. "It's not Two's fault that Three's a stuck-up ponce with a nose roughly the size of an island nation!"

"Oh, is that right?" The Ninth Doctor said. "Well, it's not Three's fault that Two is a moronic man-child with hair that looks like his mum cut it for him."

Nine and Eleven stared daggers at each other as each of them waited for the other to make the first move.

Meanwhile, the Fifth Doctor and the Tenth Doctor were deep in conversation.

"You're brilliant you are!" Ten said.

"Oh, go on. No really, go on!" Five said.

"I love your celery. And the trainers."

"Your trainers are nice too."

"Oh, why don't you two just get married if you love each other so much?" The Sixth Doctor said as he rolled his eyes.

"Oh, shut up." The Fourth Doctor said. "You do realise that we all think that tacky coat of yours is hideous. At least some of us have style. I'm particularly enjoying that fellow's hat." Four pointed at Eleven's ectoplasmic sombrero. "I can't wait until I get to wear that!"

"So, how does it happen?" The Seventh Doctor asked the Eighth Doctor. "I mean, how do I regenerate?"

"You do not want to know." Eight replied. "Trust me when I say that it was really, really, really stupid. Embarrassing even."

"So you're my replacements eh?" Nine said to Ten and Eleven. "A lanky freak and a dork in a bowtie?"

"At least we don't have ears that could act as landing sites for Cyberships." Ten retorted.

"Excuse me?" Four said as he approached the giant, man-sized, tea-sipping beetle. "What are you doing here?"

"Drinking tea." The beetle replied.

"But where did you come from?"

"Oh, I live next door."

"Okay then."

"Aren't we getting a bit off topic here?" Seven said to the whole room. "What about this whole Time Scoop business?"

"He's…ah….you've got a point Doctor." Mark said. "Isn't eleven different versions of the same person all being in the same place dangerous?"

"Meh." Eleven said. "What's the worst that could possibly happen?"

Without warning, the whole world seemed to begin shaking.

Suddenly, the First Doctor exploded and turned into a pile of ash. Then the Second Doctor did the same. Then the Third. Then the Fourth. Then the Fifth. Then the Sixth. Then there was a slight pause as Seven finished off his tea. Then he exploded too. Then the Eight. Then the Ninth. Then….

"Huh." Ten said after several moments of non-exploding. "I guess I'm going to be…"

Then he exploded into ash too.

Before anyone could register what had just happened, there was an almighty noise what sounded like paper tearing but on a massive scale.

The remaining Doctor, Sophie, Mark, Clucky, Jeff's Gran, the Ood, L.A.B.I.A, Professor Snape and the giant beetle all looked out the window. There was a gigantic red crack in the sky that seemed to stretch for infinity in both directions and also seemed to loom over the entire world.

As the Doctor looked up at the cosmic abomination, he could say only one thing.

"Oh balls."

**THE END**

**OR IS IT?**


	8. Credits

Credits? Eh, not really. Anyway I would just like to thank everyone who has favourited or reviewed this story. I hope you had fun reading it because I certainly had fun writing it. I would also like to thank TV Tropes. That website may have ruined my life but it certainly made writing easier. If there are any other Tropers out there who can name some of the tropes I used in this story in a review then I shall give you a cookie. Only one cookie mind, I need the rest of these cookies to feed starving orphans.

And yep, I ended it on a cliffhanger. I've got some ideas bouncing around for the sequel but I'm not sure when I'll start writing it. Rest assured that I shall start writing it before the universe collapses in on itself. Probably.

And one last thing; timmynoggy is a real word. Seriously. Google it.


End file.
